Who Has My Heart?

Who has your heart?  Such a good question.
I recently found myself struggling deeply with life, I felt like I was drowning in sorrow.  I wanted to find my joy but all I could do was despair.  It isn't a place where I want or should be.
Fear is a big struggle for me.  I let myself think on the future and what it looks like right now...and I started to panic.  I let Satan's words worm in to my thoughts and I despaired.  Things like:
"You're not enough for someone to love."
"You're too much for someone to love."
"No one wants you!"
"You have no purpose."
I gave into such thoughts and forgot to stop and replace them with truth.  My heart was breaking...

My mom and I went to a ladies retreat with some gals at our church a couple weeks ago.  I wasn't really expecting anything.  I was looking forward to time with my mom and the other church gals.  Dee Brestin was to be our speaker. She had weekly questions for us to think on before the retreat.  She would be sharing about heart idols.
We arrived late but the ladies had saved us seats.  I had to sit at a separate table only across from two of our church ladies. :(  So much for getting time with our ladies.  Dee is a sweet older lady and she shared from her heart.  I found myself holding back tears again and again.

I repeatedly make marriage/children an idol in my life.  I was despairing because I couldn't see it anywhere in my future.  I was letting my greatest earthly desire become my idol.  I was constantly trying to come up with my own plan instead of trusting God.  And I was letting my mind run wild.  But any substitute for God is idolatry.  I can not arm wrestle God.

What resonated most with me was a simple picture she gave of a flower.  The old practice of plucking the petals and saying, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not...  She reminded us that God simply says, I love you, I love you, I love you.  I am more loved and accepted than I dared think!  Such a simple truth that I knew in my head but wasn't letting through to my heart.

I must remove the idols I placed in my heart and replace them with Christ.  I'm striving to speak to my soul, stopping the swirling whirlpool with the truth of God's word.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  Hebrews 12:1-3

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
 I will build you up again,
    and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt.
Again you will take up your timbrels
    and go out to dance with the joyful.   Jeremiah 31:3-4

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  Jeremiah 29:10-14

I am placing my heart back in His hands!
Alissa